Weekly Joke

[dwynnehugh]

Military Truisms

• Aim towards the Enemy –instruction printed on US rocket launcher.
• Cluster bombing is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons.
• Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly.
• Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Friendly fire isn’t.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• Clothing stores only two sizes: too large and too small.
• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
• And never tell your Boss you have nothing to do.

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[dwynnehugh]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,

“All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we’re in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we’re going down the tracks”.

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

“We don’t use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nicer language”.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ”All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your journey was a pleasant one”.
She hears the little boy continue,

“For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on this train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added

“For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen”.

 

**************************************
Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table over in the corner.

He’s so familiar looking, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

”My God, it’s Jesus!”

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled to bits, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters, and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: “My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!”

Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.
”Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a pure Miracle”.
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

”Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police cordoned off Glasgow City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a road tax disc.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
”Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, ”Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?”
”I am a Manchester Utd fan, and proud of it”.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

“Mary, why, pray tell me, are you a Man Utd fan?”
“Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, I’ a Man Utd fan too!”

“Well,” said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ”that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don’ have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?”

“Then, in that case” said Mary smiling, ”I’d surely be a Liverpool fan”.

 

 

 

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[dwynnehugh]

The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Trump and says “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll speak forever of this day and rejoice!”

Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one wave of your hand….Show me!”

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY

and there was happiness throughout the land

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[Bob Williams]

When a Nottingham Forest player boots the ball up into the air, he is severely lectured by coach Mark Warburton, “We play it along the floor, lad!”

When a Notts County player boots the ball up into the air, it comes down coated in ice

When a Derby County player boots the ball up into the air, the crowd applauds and it comes down coated in ice. Tomorrow.

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ENGINEERS

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass has excess capacity and needs to be redesigned.

———-

Three engineering students are discussing the design of the human body. One says that the perfection of nerves and synapses, means that it was designed by an Electrical engineer. The second argues that it must have been designed by a Mechanical engineer, in view of the ingenious levers and pulleys built into limbs and joints.

Third student says “You’re both incorrect. The human body was designed by a Civil engineer. Who else would have run a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?”

Yesterday I couldn’t spell engineer. Today I is one!

<hr />

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[wasbit]

Not a joke per se but still funny.

Porn firm introduces genital logins, calls it Dickometrics

– https://www.theinquirer.net/inquirer/news/3013875/web-porn-firm-introduces-genital-logins-calls-it-dickometrics

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

An Ode to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – A husband’s point of view.
John Summers (not Pam Ayres)

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
…T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
…At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said…
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.
– http://www.rinkworks.com/said/ads.shtml

“Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.”
“2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.”
“Washing machine: free to good home.”
“No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.”
“Great Dames for sale.”
“Lost Cocktail.”
“Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog.”
“German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.”
“Free ducks. You catch.”
“1 man, 7 woman hot tub — $850/offer”
“Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
“Snow blower for sale…only used on snowy days.”
“2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15”
“For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) – $50”
“Shakespeare’s Pizza – Free Chopsticks”
“Hummels – largest selection ever. ‘If it’s in stock, we have it!'”
“Georgia peaches, California grown – 89 cents lb.”
“Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour.”
“Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.”
“Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.”
“Carpal Tunnel Syndrome – Free Sample!”
“Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.”
“Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.”
“This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.”
“Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers.”
“Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.”
“Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.”
“Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.”
“Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.”
“Mother’s helper — peasant working conditions.”
“Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.”
“A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.”
“Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.”
“Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required.”
“His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55.”
“For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.”
“Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.”
“Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.”
“We’ll move you worldwide throughout the country.”
“We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
“Tattoos done while you wait.”
“Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
“Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.”
“If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.”
“Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.”
“Stock up and save. Limit: one.”
“For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.”
“Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes.”
“TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets.”
“This house has been fully insulted.”
“Man, honest. Will take anything.”
“Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!”
“Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
“3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.”
“Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
“Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.”
“Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.”
“Illiterate? Write today for free help.”
“Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.”
“Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.”
“Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.”
“And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.”
“We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.”

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[Bob Williams]

Great laughs, wasbit!

Think I might have told this one before in MM Forum, but worth repeating:

A 78 year old landlord and his 77 yo wife kept a tiny pub in a small Yorkshire Dales hamlet. Every afternoon, the landlord took the dog off for a long walk and left his wife with the 4 regulars, all septaguenarians, playing dominoes, from 11 am. Every day, they drank a half pint of the same beer each and played on until the same time, 4:30 pm. The same routine, every single day. It drove the landlady mad with boredom.

One day she had enough. Stripping off all her clothes, she walked out of the back door, round the back to the front door, through the bar where the domino players were,  then out to the back to get dressed again. One player spoke to his mates, “Did tha see that, lads?” “Ah saw it, but I don’t know what it wor.” says another.

“Ah dunno what it wor either,” says a third old player “But it needs ironing, tha could see that.”

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What’s pink, smells of wee, and goes “in, out, in, out” ?

Great Gran, doing the Hokey-Cokey.

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A couple are having a romantic meal in a restaurant, when the male suddenly slips under the table. His female companion does not appear to notice, just carries on eating. The Maitre D’ asks the lady “Madam, is your husband well?”

The lady answers: “My husband is fine. In fact, he just walked in the door. The man beneath the table and now crawling across the floor, is not my husband.”

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When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[Author]

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