Weekly Joke

[dwynnehugh]

There was me thinking that this was the jokes section – if we disseminate them into minutae before ‘publishing’ the mood will be lost.

To those who may be a bit worried about Rhyl and any relatives you may have in the area – it was a JOKE!!!!

:yahoo: 😥  😥  😥  :bye:

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[The Duke]

He he, my mountain looks over Rhyl to the sea, it’s looks OK form a far. Have no family or connections there. It does have a bad wrap locally, but in all honesty, as bad ad it is, it’s a number of steps up form alot  inner city/leg town areas.

Also i find it isn’t as as bad or at least isn’t any worse, than some of the other north wales towns. The worst of Rhyl estates ‘the reso’ is a huge upgrade to the estate I grew up on.

[Ed P]

As we were referring to the Middle East, a slightly NSFW joke, but it is all in the mind!:

Three guys were on a trip to Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your professions.”

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop”, says the first man.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a firemen”, said the second man.

“Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”.

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

[tadka]

[wasbit]

One for Steve :yahoo:

The the inventor of predictive text died today.
His funfair is on Sundial.

———

Password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:
USER: “cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: “boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: “1 boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

————–
Windows Frozen

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.”

———
Password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: “Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”

—————-
In The Beginning

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham , her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates ‘ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham , what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua , being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything.

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

———
Keyboard

A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss’s brand new business computer and she spilled sticky soda on the “keyboard.”

The help desk operator figured, “What the hell. It’s only a $10 keyboard” and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry.

The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator’s job, he’s that upset.

What he wants to know is… “What clown told my secretary to put $2000 worth of laptop under a tap?”

———–

“DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?” , Junior asks his dad:

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!”

“Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to up load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.”

“Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

‘You’ve Got Male’!

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[tadka]

I can relate to the password joke. When I was forced to open an MS email account I ended up with something like MicroSoftareW**k*rs123456. Also, what really annoys me when it comes to passwords is when the account gets locked because someone tried to log in from an unknown device and I need to change the password to log in… If some one tried to log in and failed why do I need to change the password?

[dwynnehugh]

Like them

 

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[Ed P]

+1 Wasbit you have my vote for this week’s prize!

[dwynnehugh]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
“It’s okay” he says “‘they’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own fares.”

######

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a “Scousers Are Not Stupid” convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. “We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?”

Jamie Carragher gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds Carragher says, “Forty!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

Gerrard says, “Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, “Twelve?”

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Carragher starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, “OK then, what is 2 plus 2?”

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Carragher closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

“Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

#####

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow”. I said “you’re obviously not listening.”

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you.

She said “is that you or the beer talking ? ”

I replied “it’s me talking to the beer.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate, I don’t want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn’t what I thought it was.
<h6>####</h6>
The Gunfighter

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

“Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg”.

”Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

”Sure will,” replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

”That’s terrific!” said the hot shot.   “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.  That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man.

“You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“Wow!” exclaimed the cowboy, “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here.  Got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.

“See that axle grease in the can over there?  Smear your gun with it.”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

“No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, …and it won’t hurt as much.”

 

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[The Duke]

+1 for was its tale of the internet. As I was reading it it made me feel like I’m at a funeral. (only time I go church). I wouldn’t be surprised, if in a thousand years, after the apocalypse, people will tell such a tale.

the Internet will be spoken of as an all knowledgeable god, that was everywhere alway.

 

[dwynnehugh]

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

I don’t approve of political jokes…

I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

A little girl asked her dad, “do all fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time?”

Her dad replied, ‘No, some begin with – If I am elected’

It’s so cold and windy outside I’ve just seen a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[Tippon]

One for any scousers here ?

 

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he’s late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

“Hey, c’mon our kid,” they say, “gissa lift…”.

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the bowling balls will he give them a lift. The driver agrees.

They finally manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the bizzies pull him up for speeding.

One of the officers asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies “Scouse Eggs”. The policeman obviously doesn’t believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly slams it shut and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. “I’ve got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it – two have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already”.

[dwynnehugh]

Love it!!

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[Bob Williams]

These last few have all had me cracking up. Almost fell off my chair, ribs are aching, face is wet, jaw hurts. I may sue…?

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[Ed P]

+1 The last few will take a lot of beating for this week’s ‘prize’.

The Scouser joke reminded me of a period when I was spending a lot of time in the Birkenhead area. The local police spent a lot of time trying to protect their cars from the local school kids!

[Bob Williams]

Two farmers from the Deep South of Lincolnshire are ” ‘avin a gas” in the middle of a narrow country road, when a sports car screams around the corner at great speed. The young man at the wheel swings the car towards the hedge, to avoid the farmers. The car shoots up a hidden embankment, straight up in the air, turns over twice and crashes onto its wheels in the middle of a ploughed field. One farmer turns towards the other.

“That were lucky ‘arry!”

“It were”, says ‘arry “Ah were stood in middle o’ yon field nobuttt 10 minutes gone!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A man moves to the country and decides to become self-sufficient, so first he needs livestock. He visits several farms before one farmer will sell him any animals. “I want a rooster, a chicken and a donkey.” he says.

“OK, but round here we call a rooster a cock, a chicken a pullet and a donkey is an ass. Now I can definitely sell all three, but you have to be very careful around the ass. He might try to bite you, so if he does, just scratch behind his ears and he will calm down.”

The buyer gets on the ass and he tucks the cock and pullet under each arm to ride the ass home. Halfway home, the ass starts trying to bite his rider. Seeing a lady by a gate, and unable to scratch the ass’s ears while holding the cock and pullet under his arms, he gets off and asks the lady a perfectly reasonable question.

“Excuse me lady, could you possibly hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[dwynnehugh]

 

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes
This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order.
There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[Bob Williams]

The world ends in a massive meteor strike and there is a huge queue at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is going crackers trying to sort it out, so he separates men from women into two queues first, then addresses the men: “I want two lines of men,” he says “On the right here, all men dominated by their women. On the left there, all men who dominated their women.”

After much shuffling around, St. Pete is amazed to see just one man in the left line. “Well done that man! Now tell all the other men how you managed to dominate your wife!”

“What’s to tell?” says the man, “My wife told me to stand here!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A butler dies, turns up in Hell for his sins and is surprised to see the Lord of his stateley home turn up there after some weeks.

“My Lord, what are you doing here?”

“I lied, cheated and stole to pay the debts incurred by my playboy son.” replies the Lord. “What happened to get you down here?”

“I’m here for fathering your son.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[RSB]

I can delete them or move them to a newly created thread. Do not know what its about so create a new titled thread and i’ll move it there!

Americans: Over Sexed, Over Payed and Over here, Wat Wat!

[dwynnehugh]

Medicare – Aussie Style.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

“Hello.”

“Mrs. Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well…  We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

 

The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans

[Author]

Posts