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Bob Williams.
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April 28, 2017 at 12:18 pm #6849
Another copy/paste!!
A Somewhat Improved Glossary of Your PC’s Messages
By Kevin PeaseIt says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”It says: “Press A Key”
(This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the “A” key.)It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.”It says: “Installing program to C:\<Directory>….”
It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll NEVER find them.”It says: “Please insert disk 11”
It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.”It says: “Not enough memory”
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.”It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right side up…”It says: “Please Wait….”
It means: “… Indefinitely.”It says: “Directory does not exist….”
It means: “…. any more. Whoops.”It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.”
It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
April 28, 2017 at 12:20 pm #6850My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to make love?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started …..A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Crap “That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started….A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
April 28, 2017 at 1:42 pm #6857A big thumbs up for DH there!!?
April 28, 2017 at 2:22 pm #6859The Head of a Cof E school is informed that he must put Sex Education on the curriculum. Worried about how to aproach this in a Cof E school, he speaks to the local vicar and asks him to give a talk to the children before the lessons start, with the emphasis on Christian attitudes to sex. The vicar is happy to be asked to do this, but does not want to upset his prudish wife. He tells her that he is giving the children a talk about Christianity and sailing.
A week later the Head meets the vicar’s wife in the street and tells her that her husband gave a wonderful talk to the children.
“I can’t think it was that good,” says the vicar’s wife, “he’s only ever done it twice. First time he was sick, second time his hat blew off!”
When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.April 30, 2017 at 1:40 pm #6907I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started….
I used that in my wedding speech. Not everyone laughed… :wacko: :yahoo:
April 30, 2017 at 8:00 pm #6925A Polish soldier is asked which he would shoot first: a Russian or a German soldier.
“The Russian. Business before pleasure.”
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A 12th Century coin was discovered recently at an archaelogical dig near Aberdeen.
Gathered around it were 4 skeletons on their hands and knees.
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Ethnic Native American Maths joke:
A native American chief keeps 3 wives in 3 separate wigwams and they all need new blankets. Wife 1 asks for a buffalo hide, wife 2 a bearskin, but prettiest, youngest wife 3 asks for a hippopotamous hide blanket. Of all these, the hippo hide is the hardest, but the chief manages to get one.
9 months later, all 3 wives give birth within a couple of weeks. Wife 1 has a baby girl, wife 2 a baby boy. Wife 3 has twins: a boy and a girl.
This proves beyond all doubt, that the sqaw on the hippopotamous, is equal to the squaw on the other 2 hides. :wacko: :yahoo:
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.May 4, 2017 at 9:56 pm #69815-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE!
THESE ARE SO TRUE AND GREAT PARABLES!!!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel”.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob, the next-door neighbour”, she replies.
“Great!” the husband says. ”Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129”.
The priest apologized, “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak”.
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory”.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”.
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. ”I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world”. Puff! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. ”I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life”. Puff! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch”.
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”
The eagle answered, “Sure, why not”.
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. ”I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree”, sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy”.
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. ”They’re packed with nutrients”.
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 5, 2017 at 6:37 pm #700810/10, Dwynne! LMAO!
Religious Funnies: if easily offended, please stop here.
God decides it’s time for a holiday, but as he is God and has been everywhere, can’t decide where to go. He asks his Angels.
“Mercury.” says one. “No, too hot.” replies Big G. “Mars,” suggests another. “No, far too dusty and cold.” says Himself.
“Why not Earth?” says another Angel.
You are JOKING! Says the Big ‘Un, “Last time I went there was about 2,000 years ago. Got some bird up the duff and they are all still moaning about it!”
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The world was not created in 7 days at all: God kept making mistakes, then on the 6th night He pulled a double shift.
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If God had wanted us to use Metric weights and measures, surely there would have been 10 Apostles?
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When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.May 6, 2017 at 1:12 am #7018Wife : Would you like Curry or Soup today?
Husband : Make it first. We’ll name it later.
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife…
Please allow me to complete a sentence before you start guessing and suggesting.A married man’s prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away.
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife … It’s been years now, just reminding You.A couple were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, “The food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: ” Honey … you say a prayer before we eat at home”
Husband: “That’s at home sweetheart … here the chef knows how to cook”Best Slogan on a MAN’s T-Shirt :
“Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am married and already very disturbed.”The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 6, 2017 at 1:19 am #7019Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
***********************************************************************Tower: ” TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”***********************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”***********************************************************************
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this.. I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”*****************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”***********************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”***********************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”***********************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway”.
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”The BA 747 pulled onto the
main taxiway and slowed to a stop”.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now”.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land”.The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 6, 2017 at 1:24 am #7020PASSPORT APPLICATION
Don’t you wish that you had written this?
Dear Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am — you know, someone like my doctor…
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 6, 2017 at 1:28 am #7021DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, sh*t!”SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but , can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 6, 2017 at 10:30 pm #7038A new manager takes over at the factory and is being briefed by his predecessor, who gives him 3 envelopes, marked with large numbers 1, 2 and 3.
“If you run into serious working problems, open an envelope, starting with No. 1. You will not need more than these 3 envelopes.”
The factory is working fine for 5 years, profits are up, when suddenly a disaster hits. Sales down, profits hit the floor. The manager opens envelope #1 and reads the words on a slip of paper, “Blame the mess left by your predecessor!” He gives this excuse to the owners and shareholders and survives. After another 5 years, there is a strike by the workforce and he cannot cope with the situation. He opens envelope #2 and reads from another slip of paper, “Blame the Union!” He does so and the owners keep him on. The strike collapses and the factory restarts work, but production is down and contracts are lost. By now desperate, the manager opens envelope 3.
“Take 3 envelopes and 3 slips of paper…”
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In the office rest room the boss had a large notice placed above each washbowl, “THINK!”
By the soap dispensers, some office wag had written in thick crayon, “THOAP!”
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Because Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, he developed thick callouses on the soles of his feet. He also ate very little, but had a weird diet which gave him bad breath.
Mahatma Ghandi was a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis…..
When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.May 8, 2017 at 9:48 am #7094Some senior citizens are being criticized for the present deficiencies of our modern world; real or imaginary, present or past, foreign or domestic.
We take responsibility for all our actions and omissions; we do not try to blame others for our past imperfections, ignorance or failures.Our generation saved the World from Fascism, and Racism, while we raised the Standard of Living, Health Care, and Life Expectancy.
HOWEVER, upon reflection , we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships, and interactions with others on a face to face basis!!
And, we DO understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN !
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 8, 2017 at 9:51 am #7095A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “F..k it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic 75 pound fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T you shut the f..k up?”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
I love this part…. :
“Only when he’s pissed.”
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 8, 2017 at 9:54 am #7096One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, ” University of Oklahoma.”And they say blondes are dumb…
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
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“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
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He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN——————————————————————————————————
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!———————————————————–
The best armour is staying out of gun-shot.
-Italian proverb———————————————————–
Liverpool airport was closed for four hours today after police found a suspicious car parked outside.
It was taxed, insured and still had its wheels and radio
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
May 8, 2017 at 12:59 pm #7111Liverpool airport! I was picking my son up from it last week. i was there for 25 mins, it cost me £10! It cost me £2 to drop them off.
To make it worse, the while run up to the airport now has double red lines, with signs £1000 fine for stopping.
Now thats a joke.
May 8, 2017 at 1:20 pm #7112Steve, its all down to the environmental movement, they are trying to make air travel so unattractive that no one bothers with it any more. They have succeeded as far as I am concerned.
May 8, 2017 at 2:33 pm #7114Airports + young kids put me off air travel.
But I don’t think the environmentists are working as flying us stupidly cheap now.
One of my lad went to alicante for a week in half term £100 return (fights only) my other lad just returned from Turkey, he paid £200 for a week full board. (week after Easter half term)
Last week I was pricing flights for us to go to alicante (from Liverpool) for the mid August. And was amazed it was only £140 return. And car rental for two weeks, a small car, £89!
I’m still driving, I’d rather have my own car,and avoid airports. The only I do airports is when I’m alone, and going further afield.
Manchester Airport is free to drop off, and you can pick up free, as is gatwick. Liverpool is a con job! When I was younger and pre john Lennon airport, Liverpool airport was a good afternoon out. We would drive down there have a few pints watching the plans. Now it would cost you probably £30 to park.
May 17, 2017 at 9:19 pm #7492So why not some codes for us seniors:
ATD – At the Doctor’sBFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CUATDJC – See You at the Derby and Joan Club
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL-CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
DTAF – Don’t Trust A Fart
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