Quick Joke

[Bob Williams]

This one comes from an old Readers Digest. (I spend a lot of time in Waiting Rooms) Supposedly a True school Story:

Kindergarten teacher, to class of 3 and 4 year olds:

“What does a lamb say?”

Class: “BAAAA!”

“And what does a horse say?”

“NEEIIIGH!”

“What does a cow Say?”

“MOOOOO!”

“But what does a mouse say?”

Silence, then little Johnny pipes up –

“CLICK!”

It’s a generational Thing.

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[RSB]

?

Americans: Over Sexed, Over Payed and Over here, Wat Wat!

[wasbit]

An Ode to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – A husband’s point of view.
John Summers (not Pam Ayres)

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
…T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
…At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said…
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

How funny is this! It turns out that the ‘Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey’ attributed to great British poet Pam Ayres earlier this year, and doing the rounds again on Facebook and Twitter again now, isn’t her work at all! Rather it’s apparently from the pen of one John Summers. But it’s so ‘Pam-esque’ that the doyenne of the ditty had to take to Twitter to declare ‘I DID NOT write this poem… It is nothing to do with me.’

– http://www.debbieflint.co.uk/read-it-write-it-sell-it/item/30-pam-ayres-and-fifty-shades-of-grey-the-husbands-view

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

Two Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment…..

‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence…

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

‘Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

Reformed Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I’d hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said,
“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”
I was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
“May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

Duck Joke

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now, if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks…

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” The duck asks again. With the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . …. .

“What the heck would they want with a plasterer?

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

Schnauzer

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

Jesus Knows

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[wasbit]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[Bob Williams]

Thanks Wasbit!

After being off the net for a few days, and having hassle trying to (a) contact Plusnet and (b) trying to communicate with a Plusnet Muppet, I enjoyed those. Cheered me up!

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[The VFM Addict]

Dear Britain,

Recently we noticed you had started to copy our style of success in the World Cup but we let it pass.   Then we discovered you were also copying our style of weather.   We let that pass too.  But now it seems you are also copying our style of politics.  This is all getting too much !!!

Yours,

Italy

 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

During the Covid-19 Epidemic I will be wearing a mask and goggles while posting so that if I become infected I won't spread it to you.

[wasbit]

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice, red apple on her desk with a tag on it saying T.O.T.
Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, “Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?”
Mary in the front row raised her hand and explained, “It means, ‘To Our Teacher.'”
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it.
She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain, “That means ‘To Our Teacher With Love.'”
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying ” F.U.C.K.” Her jaw drops and she screams,
“Who can explain this?”

Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, “that means, ‘From Us Colored Kids.'”

—–
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand…

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I’m not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[tadka]

A policeman gets called out to a reported shooting. Upon arrival he discovers that an old lady shot dead her husband for stepping on the wet floor and radios it in.

“Have you arrested the old lady”?

“Not yet, the floor’s still wet”.

[Author]

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