Groan – Dad Jokes

[Wheels-Of-Fire]

Why did the hedgehog cross the road ? To see his flat mate.

[Tippon]

Lots of freshly pinched jokes 😀

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her…’Father, may I ask a favour?’
‘Of course, my child. What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!’

 

My wife and her WeightWatchers’ group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany’s for breakfast. It was just like that famous film.

Gone in sixty seconds.

 

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment.
When he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’ Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled Mike.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?’
‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’
‘No gym to work out at?’ said Mike
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again’
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your bloody Bran Flakes! We could have been here ten years ago!’

 

I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.
Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdresser’s window.

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”.
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

 

A drunk man who stank of beer and cigarettes sat down on the train next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking Out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with Cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes And lack of a bath.
The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be darned.’ Looking a bit shocked the man returned to his paper.
The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. ‘I’m very sorry he said, I didn’t mean to be unkind by being judgemental. How long Have you had arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

 

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them “Can anyone tell me what part of the body can increase up 3 or 4 times it’s normal size when stimulated?”
There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says, “You shouldn’t be asking questions like that to your class. I think it’s very horrible and I’m telling my parents who will tell the headmaster and he will give you the sack!
The teacher ignores her outburst and carries on, “Can anyone tell me the answer?”
One boy, Timmy, raises his hand and says, “The part of the body that increases in its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” “Very good Timmy” the teacher replies.
He then turns to Mary and says, “I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day when you are a grown up you’re going to be very very very disappointed.”

 

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of “Artie.”
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Sainsbury’s. He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY’S.”

 

I was going to donate blood today but they ask too many questions.
Like “Whose is this blood, and where did you get it?”
Anyway, donate one kidney and you’re a hero.
Donate five and the Police want to talk to you…

 

Asked the doctor “Do you think I’ll lead a long and healthy life”, he replied ” I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now”, I said ” I don’t go in for all that astrology nonsense”, he replied “Neither do I but my thermometer just broke”.

[Tippon]

Can’t post this as an image for some reason

http://www.stickycomics.com/wp-content/uploads/update_for_your_computer.jpg

[Bob Williams]

FRIENDSHIP

A good friend is the guy who bails you out of jail. Your best friend is the one in the next cell, saying “Damn, that was fun!”

You are my best mate. If we were both on a sinking ship and had one life jacket between us, I would really miss you and think of you often.

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DOGS

A dog is in a cinema, watching a movie with his owner. When the hero appears, the dog wags his tail. If the villain shows up, the dog growls. A lady sitting nearby says “That is fantastic, what a clever dog!”

“Yeah, I don’t understand it,” says the owner “he hated the book!”

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A sign in front of a house says “For Sale – Talking Dog.” A passerby goes in to investigate, the owner takes him to a dog chained in the backyard. “Can you talk?” he asks the dog. “Yes, I discovered this when I was pup and contacted MI6. They had me sitting in rooms around the world, listening to conversations and reporting what I heard. For five years I was their best asset, no one would believe a dog could talk. Then I grew tired of traveling, so I was hired by Security at Heathrow Airport, sat around in VIP lounges listening to people from all over the world and reporting suspicious people. I uncovered a lot of spies and drug deals and was given many medals. Then I retired and settled down with a beautiful bitch, had lots of pups.

“W0w!” says the bloke, “What a fantastic dog! How much do you want for him?”

“Ten quid,” says the owner. “Only a tenner for such a fantastic dog, why?”

“Because he’s such a bloody liar!”

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My dog has an ingrown tail. I had to have him X-Rayed to find out if he’s happy or not.

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[Tippon]

A man with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach sunbathing when the two most beautiful women he’d ever seen set out their towels just a few feet away. The women smiled at the man and kept winking at him while oiling each other’s bodies. After a while the women approached the man and asked him

‘Have you ever seen naked breasts before?’

To which the man shyly shook his head no. The women removed their bikini tops, exposing their stunning bodies to the shocked man. He couldn’t believe his luck.

‘Have you ever kissed two women?’ they asked next.

After a nervous gulp, the man replied, no, he hadn’t.

The two women gave the man the longest, most sensual kisses he’d ever experienced in his life. This was the best day he’d ever experienced, it couldn’t get much better.

One of the women leaned down and whispered breathily in his ear

‘Have you ever been screwed?’

To which the man replied ‘No’

‘Well, you are now, the tide’s coming in!’

[wasbit]

An Ode to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – A husband’s point of view.
John Summers (not Pam Ayres)

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
…T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
…At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said…
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

 

--
Regards
wasbit

Rig 1: Optiplex 3050 SFF
Rig 2: Asus ROG G20CB (rebuilt wreck)
Rig 3: HP Elitebook 8440P

Dear Starfleet, hate you, hate the Federation, taking Voyager. - Janeway

[Bob Williams]

DEATH

A man dies and enters Heaven. Standing before God, he sees Jesus at God’s right hand, and a janitor at his left, complete with mop, bucket and cleaning materials. He asks the janitor “Who are you?”

“I’m Cleanliness.”

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3 couples all die on the same day and queue at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first couple their names: “Bill and Penny Jones” says the husband. “Sorry,” says St. Pete, “Can’t have names in here with a money connection. Filthy Lucre, and all that.” He asks the next couple their names “Jack and Brandy O’Leary.” “Oh no, that’s an alcohol reference, can’t have that”

The 3rd husband whispers to his wife “Listen Fanny, from now on your name is Mary.”

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A woman goes to a psychic and contacts her dead husband. “Are you happy darling?” is her first question “I really hope you’re happy.” “I certainly am,” says her husband “I’m in a field, with lovely sweet grass and surrounded by beautiful cows.”

“Cows? What about angels?” “No, but walking towards me is an absolutely gorgeous cow”.

“Why do you keep harping on about cows?” says his wife.

“Sorry, I forgot to mention that I came back. I’m a bull now.”

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[keith with the teef]

Which one is from Bristol.

Yes, the one that looks like Dave’s Dad.

[Ed P]

None of them – not one has a mug of Thatcher’s Gold clenched in his deathlike grip!

[Bob Williams]

Extreme right: Johnny Depp has just seen MV Balmoral setting out on a Bristol Channel Cruise!

http://tinyurl.com/y243z8ka

When the Thought Police arrive at your door, think -
I'm out.

[Author]

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