@dwynnehugh
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PASSPORT APPLICATION
Don’t you wish that you had written this?
Dear Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am — you know, someone like my doctor…
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN…Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
***********************************************************************Tower: ” TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”***********************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”***********************************************************************
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this.. I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”*****************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”***********************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”***********************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”***********************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway”.
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”The BA 747 pulled onto the
main taxiway and slowed to a stop”.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now”.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land”.The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Wife : Would you like Curry or Soup today?
Husband : Make it first. We’ll name it later.
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife…
Please allow me to complete a sentence before you start guessing and suggesting.A married man’s prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away.
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife … It’s been years now, just reminding You.A couple were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, “The food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
Wife: ” Honey … you say a prayer before we eat at home”
Husband: “That’s at home sweetheart … here the chef knows how to cook”Best Slogan on a MAN’s T-Shirt :
“Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am married and already very disturbed.”The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE!
THESE ARE SO TRUE AND GREAT PARABLES!!!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel”.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob, the next-door neighbour”, she replies.
“Great!” the husband says. ”Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129”.
The priest apologized, “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak”.
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory”.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”.
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. ”I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world”. Puff! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. ”I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life”. Puff! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch”.
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”
The eagle answered, “Sure, why not”.
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. ”I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree”, sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy”.
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. ”They’re packed with nutrients”.
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
The problem here is one of enforcement – when in the job I hated those who parked blocking pavements – not only for pedestrians, the blind people but also for mothers with prams.
Unfortunately these days it is a rare event to see a proper PC on the streets, the PCSOs are a waste of space – there is simply no enforcement and I do sometime wonder if many who now don the uniform understand life for others. Recently on my estate two sets of PCSOs were walking along the pavement – I was outside yet not one stopped to have a chat or to say ‘hello’ – on one occasion I had our black kitten on a lead in the front – surely a topic to stop and ask????????????? No – a simple smile and with hands deep in pockets walked on – not bad for a summer’s day I thought!
You can ask/demand/get as much legislation as you want – it’s 100% useless unless it is enforced. To be honest these days I keep on seeing numerous people/causes etc all shouting for greater penalties for this that and the other – yet the recent increase in speeding fines will be a great benefit to HM Treasury coffers – money to be made – nothing to be made with so many small matters that daily impinge the lives of so many people.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Thank you Lee for all the effort you are putting in to keep Forumite going – it’s quite a responsibility and by now the new system is by far better than MM had been for some considerable time. OK there will be glitches, outages and down times – but let’s be very grateful for what we have.
Diolch yn fawr, Lee. :yahoo:
Dave
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Jargon is the veil used by those who don’t understand to confuse those that do.
My now deceased uncle was a Prof of Physical Marine Oceanography at Bangor University – he held the first chair there having been a Prof at Cape Town University. During his life he worked for many government departments as well as the Admiralty, he was an ordained lay preacher in the Church of Wales and in relation to his work he had two phrases:
Preaching – if it can’t be said in 20 minutes – shut up.
Teaching – if it can’t be explained simply – shut up.
Not bad standards I think.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to make love?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started …..A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Crap “That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started….A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Another copy/paste!!
A Somewhat Improved Glossary of Your PC’s Messages
By Kevin PeaseIt says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”It says: “Press A Key”
(This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the “A” key.)It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.”It says: “Installing program to C:\<Directory>….”
It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll NEVER find them.”It says: “Please insert disk 11”
It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.”It says: “Not enough memory”
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.”It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right side up…”It says: “Please Wait….”
It means: “… Indefinitely.”It says: “Directory does not exist….”
It means: “…. any more. Whoops.”It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.”
It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Sometimes people who write instructional books prefer to show their ability to ‘confuse with words’ as opposed to ‘using words to explain simply’.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Thanks, I have tried what you have suggested and removed the F/ite details from that part – if this goes OK, it will have been solved.
YEP it went OK, many thanks indeed for the heads up on this one.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Subject: The Sane Days.
(Under the age of 40? You won’t understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.We all took PE ….. and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.
We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter……., FUNNY THAT!!
We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren’t!!
Oh yeah … and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 50c bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Yes Dave I did. See my reply on the other thread re this – got it but God knows how!!
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
A full backup was made, that’s when I saw two entries in the BIOS a PO: HDD and an UEFI: HDD I couldn’t do anything with the UEFI so eventually got it via the PO one. After that had trouble booting as there was no sign of the UEFI: WD entry in the BIOS. Got it eventually with a bit of a poke and fiddle, but do I really understand what I did – NO!
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Thanks Ed P. When I examined his HDD with the WD tools, the short test almost immediately showed ‘too many defective sectors’ or similar, running their extended test – which appears designed to fix this problem – appears to have done so. Running the short test afterwards gave a clean bill of health.
My uncle now thinks that his system is running much slower than it was pre HDD problem which was why I wanted to see if there was a significant slow-down in the HDD rpm as it’s still under the WD 5 yr warranty for another 12 months or so.
Also from memory the SMART response was OK or not available – can’t remember now.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Thanks Jason, I suspected as much.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Seemed to have resolved it – I downloaded the latest edition of AOMEI onto my own PC and then onto a USB stick which I installed under W10 on the PC needing to be backed up.
Doing that now and it seems to work.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
PS – The ext HDD is in an Icy Box enclosure, 1TB WD HDD NTFS partition.
PPS – can anyone please tell me how you can edit your original post?
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
RSB as you say ‘politics baffle me’ – don’t think you’re alone in that belief – many MPs would appear to share the same view!
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Thanks Dave – however I suspect it is a duff HDD – just taken it out of the caddy and used Sharkoon to read it direct via USB – had a response that it needed formatting, so nothing to lose – I told it to format it.
Next response that it was not possible to format the drive and that’s via my W7 system. It is a Hitachi ‘Deathstar’ dating from 2011 so I suppose it’s done its allocated time.
Thanks for the info on W10 and Ubuntu, will have a go later on.
Dave
Yes it was worth the pint of Unicorn!
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
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