@dwynnehugh
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Point taken, Dave. In all honesty it’s really not worth spending on it to be honest – it’s just a backup PC now that my i7 job has been up and running for 12 months or so. The hardest it ever will, or ever has worked is in an office type environment. I was just hoping to resurrect it for a reasonable price as a ‘just in case’ scenario.
Many thanks though.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
New PSU fitted – well from an old system – working when removed.
Perhaps it might be best to buy a new set of CR2032s just in case – though I have tried another battery from another mobo.
Watch this space! :negative:
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
TBH the only thing that I’ve not tested is the PSU as all mobo lights/fans spin – that said I accept that a power line could be down. Currently its mobo, VGA, RAM, CPU on the bench with attached PSU/HDD (as necessary) – don’t even get the ‘no operating system found’ when just mobo, RAM, VGA and CPU.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
There was me thinking that this was the jokes section – if we disseminate them into minutae before ‘publishing’ the mood will be lost.
To those who may be a bit worried about Rhyl and any relatives you may have in the area – it was a JOKE!!!!
:yahoo: 😥 😥 😥 :bye:
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Rhyl (North Wales) Hurricane Appeal
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Rhyl in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in the White Rose Centre. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “fukinell!”
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Coast FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rhyl. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut… “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked, “Kinmel Bay” said the girl, “wot’s that gotta do wi yow?”
Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Rhyl – oh, sod it, they won’t be able to read it, anyway.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Don’t you just love American justice?
STELLA AWARDS:
It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.Here are the Stellas for year — 2012:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.
Scratch some more…
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more…
Double hand scratching after this one..
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Only two more so ease up on the scratching…*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Best come-back of the year:
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility….
Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender? Do you
trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you
find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same
officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s “Best Comeback” line — and we think he’ll win.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Hi Bob,
Hope these’ll lift yer spirits a bit!!
A bit of Irish
Mick n Paddy!!
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
———— ——— ——–oOo- ———–
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch
my lips!”
Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”
———— ——— ——–oOo- ——— ———
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?”
Paddy replies “I don’t know! Its your plane!”
———— ——— ——–oOo- ——— ——— ——— –
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts“I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!”
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.
———— ——— ——–oOo- ——— ———
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says “I wonder how the girls are getting on”
———— ——— ——–oOo- —————— –Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread eagled and says “You know what I want, don’t you?”“Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”
———— ——— ——–oOo- ———
Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
——– ——–oOo- ——— ——— ——— –
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
———— ——— ——–oOo- ——— ———
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says “To hell with this!” and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks “What did you do ?”
Paddy replies “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”
————oOo- ——— ——— ——— –
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have bluetongue.
“Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”
——— ——–oOo- ——— ——— ——— –
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!”
Paddy says “What’s his name?”
Mick replies “Miles, from London!”
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Second Opinion!
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit…”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit..”
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see… Size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see… Size 36.
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
New suit – £400
New shirt – £36
New underwear – £6
Second Opinion – PRICELESSThe more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
“Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember!” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says …
“I would have been released today.”
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
DEFINITIONS
ADULT: a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
And
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Lol!
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT– it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!(And it does not matter which country you are resident in!)
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven”, says St. Peter.
“Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in”, says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven”, says the MP.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand”, stammers the MP.
“Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning…..Today you voted.”
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Q: What’s tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A: A canary with the administrator password.Q: What do you have when you have a spammer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.Q: What do you call 100 Microsoft products in a skip?
A: A good start.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I’ve a great Surgeon.
If I can’t afford the operation he just uses Photoshop on my X-rays
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First joke:- Microsoft…
Second joke:- A man walks into the cannibal butcher shop and looks through the prices for brains for dinner. He sees that doctors brains are £15 per pound, lawyers brains are £20 per pound and politicians brains are £100 per pound. He says to the butcher “I can understand the price for doctor’s brains and lawyer’s brains, but why are politician’s brains so expensive?”and the butcher says to the man “do you know how many politicians you have to go through to get a pound of brains??”
Third:- A rabbit walks into a bar, and walks up to the barman at the front. The barman, seeing a rabbit in his bar, asks the rabbit what he wants, and the rabbit replies “well, I’m a bit peckish, like; any chance of a bite to eat?” The barman replies; “We’ve got some quite good toasties; cheese, ham, tomato, and onion.” To this, the rabbit replies “alright, a cheese toasted sandwich it is, then.”
The rabbit waits for his toastie, gulps it down, and asks the barman for another – this time, cheese and tomato. Several minutes later, the same thing happens again, and again. After five different toasted sandwich, the rabbit drops to his stomach on the floor of the bar, writhing around in pain.
“What’s the matter?!” cries the barman.
“Oh!” says the rabbit, “It’s mixin’-me-toasties”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~2 guys walk into a pub and sit down at the bar. The barman comes over and says “Good evening gentlemen, what`ll it be?”
One of the guys says “Ill have a pint of your best bitter please" then turns to his mate and says "Whatre you having donkey?”
The other guy replies “I..I..I..I`ll have a p..p..p..pint of g..g..g..guiness please”.
So the barman pulls the pints and the first guy says “Thanks”. “Th..th..th..thanks” says the second guy.
The first guy then says “Well, this is a cosey little place, ain’t it donkey?”
The other guy replies “Y..y..y..y..y..yeah, sh..sh..sh..sh..sure is”.
The first guy then drains his glass, stands up and says “I`m just gonna go take a leak, you get the next round in, donkey” then walks off.
The barman leans over and says to the other guy “Why do you let him do that?”
“Do..d..do..d..do what?” asked the other guy.
“Why do you let him call you donkey?” asks the barman
The guy says “He aw..he aw..he aw..he always calls me that”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hear about the guy who drowned in a bath of museli ………… he was pulled under by a strong “currant”
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, “Shall We Gather at the River.”AMEN!!!
############################
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Official Announcement:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Portcullis to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of p****s, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
Hmmmm ….. it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!
~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replace the left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in O FF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.== Additional complaints ==
Defect: The autopilot doesn’t.
Action: IT DOES NOW.Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.Defect: Pilot’s clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess~~~~~~~~~~
An award should go to the ***** Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was cancelled after one of their 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk.He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS.” The attendant replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out”.
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,” she began – her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14”.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too”.
~~~~~~~~~~
The new Fairy liquid advert features a family from Manchester: the daughter asks “mummy why are your hands so soft?” “because I’m only bloomin thirteen” she replies.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
The prog that I have on my Epson 1400 Photo is ‘Epson Print CD’ which allows a fair degree of setting up etc. etc. Just wonder is if still to be had on the Epson website?
John
Just had a look at the Epson website – there is nothing to suggest that your printer is intended to print CDs. Normally ones that do, come with a small thin tray that holds the CD which you then insert into the front of the printer and using the supplied software it jiggles it a bit until the preset info you set up previously is achieved and then prints off. Once set up, it’s pretty accurate on printing but I don’t think this one is designed for that. In the ‘Contents of the box’ section on the Epson site there is no mention of a CD tray for any mention of printing CDs in the blurb either.
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, ” University of Oklahoma.”And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————–
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
———————————————————–
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
———————————————————–
He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN——————————————————————————————————
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!———————————————————–
The best armour is staying out of gun-shot.
-Italian proverb———————————————————–
Liverpool airport was closed for four hours today after police found a suspicious car parked outside.
It was taxed, insured and still had its wheels and radio
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “F..k it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic 75 pound fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T you shut the f..k up?”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
I love this part…. :
“Only when he’s pissed.”
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
Some senior citizens are being criticized for the present deficiencies of our modern world; real or imaginary, present or past, foreign or domestic.
We take responsibility for all our actions and omissions; we do not try to blame others for our past imperfections, ignorance or failures.Our generation saved the World from Fascism, and Racism, while we raised the Standard of Living, Health Care, and Life Expectancy.
HOWEVER, upon reflection , we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships, and interactions with others on a face to face basis!!
And, we DO understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN !
The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, sh*t!”SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but , can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.The more you meet people the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of humans
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