Weekly Joke

:good: :yahoo:

I knew a friend of that Gynaecologist – he re-decorated his hallway through the letterbox!!

Dwynne I shared that era and most of those ‘non-PC’ activities.

We didn’t play on gravel, but on the Pit Waste Tip and in the local colliery rail marshalling yard, which was a local center for collecting coal wagons from other pits and sending them on to the Trent Valley power stations. We thought it a great “Dare” to stand on the rails whilst others released the wagon brakes, then jump out of the way when feeling the rail vibrate, as the wagons began to move. One lass lost some toes at that game, but her mum didn’t sue the NCB. Just threatened to chop off her legs if she did it again. (I think she was joking…)

We played football (50+ a side) on a huge grassed field known as the Sewerage Field, due to the fact that it adjoined what is now called a Waste Treatment Plant. We came home wondering how our parents knew we had been there, not realising that our noses had grown used to the smell from our clothes. We got slapped legs and smacked heads for it, but we did not call a Social Worker. Inevitably, most games ended in a mass fight and some of us went home with bruises and bloody noses, but our parents did not want to take legal action over it.

When I entered Technical school 8 miles away from home, I biked it most mornings, although I had a Bus Pass, because I had to take my morning papers round and school was ‘just’ another 7 miles away. We used to run about 7 miles around King’s Mill Reservoir across from the school:     https://tinyurl.com/kcmo3rj     – the school was situated where King’s Mill Hospital and Morrisin’s are on the map. Only about 5% of the housing and buildings shown, were there when I was between 11 and 16 years old.

There were no dysfunctional families then: if a man mistreated his wife and/or children, he was sorted out by others. If a mother did the same, family members stepped in – that’s why I was schooled in the Potteries, living with a widowed aunt, between the ages of 6 and 9.

We had lots of activities that kids don’t see much of now: ruuning off the top of the coalhouse and diving into an old mattress, blowing up frogs with a straw, swinging across a stream on a rope, building dens and avoiding the Forestry Commissioners, eating food cooked in lard and salt. Of course we had other stuff kids don’t have much of now: Ricketts (all 3 of us brothers had that) mumps, measles, coughs and colds from freezing houses in the winter.

I don’t know how I made it to 72! :yahoo: And I would not swop my childhood for another time.

Bob Williams wrote:

We played football (50+ a side) on a huge grassed field known as the Sewerage Field, due to the fact that it adjoined what is now called a Waste Treatment Plant. We came home wondering how our parents knew we had been there, not realising that our noses had grown used to the smell from our clothes. We got slapped legs and smacked heads for it, but we did not call a Social Worker. Inevitably, most games ended in a mass fight and some of us went home with bruises and bloody noses, but our parents did not want to take legal action over it.

I’m certain I’ve played there when they were building said supermarket!  100+ fights though plenty of them and no police to sort em out, just a mother.

A few for the older Forumites  :good:

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet….. I just sit around and listen to the conversations….. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty..’

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

:yahoo: :yahoo:  :yahoo:

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice, red apple on her desk with a tag on it saying T.O.T.
Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, “Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?”
Mary in the front row raised her hand and explained, “It means, ‘To Our Teacher.'”
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it.
She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain, “That means ‘To Our Teacher With Love.'”
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying ” F.U.C.K.” Her jaw drops and she screams,
“Who can explain this?”

Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, “that means, ‘From Us Colored Kids.'”

In a navy how do you separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar……

I’m going to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal.

The shopping list one gets my vote.

A day at the races…

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was standing outside the men’s toilet when one of the children came out and said none of them could reach the urinals. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, she said “You must be in form four”.

“No Ma’am” came the reply. “I’m riding silver bullet in the 2:15”