A come-uppance

Yesterday the mem’sahib and I had a day out in Skeggy. At one point we had a very nice cappuccino in a back street, rather raffish coffee bar which always has some interesting characters. Two youngish blokes were sat at a table, having a low conversation and a laugh. One wore dark glasses and had a large black Labrador between their feet, snoring softly. A young -er – lady entered, very skimpily dressed, wearing an enormous ‘front shelf’ with very little coverage. She asked the proprietor after her husband’s whereabouts and obviously received the wrong answer, so gave an obscene description of her husband’s probable location and current activities, which she believed involved another female person.

The two lads were speechless, staring at her with much amusement. She verbally attacked the one in dark glasses, “Never seen t**s before, have ya? Get a load of these!” – and opened her clothing to reveal a couple of massive norks. The other lad was so quick – “He was born blind, can’t see them.”

Putting together the dog and the dark bins, she immediately made 5 from 2+2, apologised profusely and offered “the poor lad” a grope, which he took up with alacrity, after first asking her to guide his hands. She gave him both barrels (!) then sat at another table to replace her clothing and order a cuppa. The two lads got up to leave and the lad with the dark specs said at the door, “That top is the wrong colour for you!” – and left. She was purple in the face and screamed at his mate, “Thought you said he was born blind? What about his dog?”

“He got his sight back before we started school. And it’s not his dog,” said the lad “He’s mine: come on Satch!” At which the Lab hauled himself to his feet and followed them to the door.

I am still laughing now at the memory. The woman was still sitting there when I left, obviously very upset. Best put down I have seen for a very long time.